Mourning Through My Miscarriage

My day started like any other of my days. We started out watching Shrek because, who doesn’t love that movie? My one year old stayed close to me all day and didn’t want to leave my side. Once she fell asleep, I decided to take a little time for myself and mess around on the computer and relax. I had been cramping for a few days and just knew my dreaded period was going to show up since was already at least two weeks late, which was totally normal for me at times.

I sat at the computer desk with this very odd, sharp pain in my lower stomach and  instantly knew something was wrong and that it was not my period. As the cramping and pain got worse, I sat alone in my bathroom floor crying and trying to not wake my daughter. I was alone. I tried to get in touch with my husband but was unsuccessful so I sat alone, crying, trying to take everything in. I wasn’t sure what to feel but I felt like a piece of me was missing. Mourning is how I can describe it. I was mourning for a baby I didn’t know I was pregnant with.

Once my husband got home, he came over and just hugged me while I sobbed on his shoulder. It seemed like an eternity that we just sat there. Why did that happen to us? I am a great mother. What did I do to deserve this? I struggled over this for months but then something happened that was unexpected and extremely scary. I went for a check-up after the miscarriage and had a pap smear done.

Within a week I received a phone call and they said it was urgent, that I needed to go to the office immediately. I was horrified when they said they found cancerous cells that were growing rapidly. Once again, I sat alone. My husband was with our daughter because who would have thought a twenty year old would have cancerous cells. They started talking to me about different procedures to remove the cells. The procedure was scheduled a few days later.

After eight weeks I was due to return to have everything checked on. I left and received a call later that day to come back into the office. The thoughts that were running through my head were horrifying. As I waited in the room, the nurse came in and congratulated me because I was pregnant! After the last six months, I was wondering if this was real…and it was! My miscarriage saved my life and gave me the child I was meant to have. Without the miscarriage, I would have never known about the cancerous cells.

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